revolutionne | [IC] Inbox @ slumscape

Estinien hears that admission with a mixture of relief and guilt. How long has it been since they were in a position to ask such questions? Since they were truly reliant on each other, on an unknown battleground? He had somehow imagined that in his absence Aymeric would have simply moved on to the more important things he had achieved and earned, but to see him again after so long and to find him to still be so true...

He can't help but think that Estinien is the one to have abandoned Aymeric, despite his friend stalwart refusal to do the same. Much of importance had happened as he travelled, and most of it he doesn't regret, but should he have done more? Said more, offered more?

He stares down at the food Aymeric has prepared for him, thinking of their many days together in the Borel manor, particularly when they were younger men. Sharing food, sharing company... sometimes more than that. He'd assumed that the time for such things would have long passed, but...

He fings his eyes watering slightly, overwhelmed with the emotions of the moment and weary from the burdens of the day. Blinking it away, he reaches out a hand to rest upon Aymeric's back - a fumbling attempt at intimacy.

"Then I will do all I can to defend you," he says softly.

Aymeric would never deny that he has missed Estinien since he decided to leave Ishgard, nor was he surprised by the decision in the first place. But his inherent affections and trust in his closest friend never wavered for a second. He just knew he would need to wait, as always.

He's become rather adept at waiting.

He's also become adept at reading Estinien's body language. Words can be a struggle at times and the way he both tenses and relaxes tells Aymeric their thoughts really are one and the same--a desire for company and comradeship but a fear the other's wellbeing. There had been a time when such thoughts were not so heavily clouded with the blood spilt between them, but there is nothing Aymeric doesn't think the can face together.

So he smiles, warmth returning to his features as Estinien wipes his eyes. The hand only brightens him further and he readily returns the gesture, more sure of himself in it.

"I know." He never doubted. "And i as well, my friend."

Though the urge is strong, Estinien resists being a hypocrite with regards to the balance of protection. He can't honestly offer his defense and refuse Aymeric's in the same breath, can he? Were he feeling more stubborn he may try, but Aymeric is right - Estinien is not in a good place for arguing at the moment.

He is in a good place for eating the crepe, however, so after a moment of savouring that exchange, he returns to that. Though he lets his hand fall from Aymeric's back, it's only so that he can rest on the bed just behind him. He's searching for some way to show his appreciation, between offering intimacy and actually consuming what Aymeric made for him.

Estinien is just as prone to scarfing his food as ever, as if worried that it might disappear if he doesn't attend to it immediately, so it doesn't take long for him to be finished. He wipes his mouth with the back of his hand.

"My thanks," he adds helplessly, mostly for the food but also for just... everything.

Aymeric is content to watch Estinien eat what he prepared--just like old times. He has enough to make more should his friend need anything else, but more than that, he is just glad that he is eating something when other such troubling thoughts are distracting him.

He drops his own hand as well to rest between them on the mattress, only to lift it again in offering to take back the plate. He knows that Estinien means more than dinner, but he wants to lighten the mood just a little.

"How was it?" he asks, cocking his head to the side. "I know you want for little in regards to taste, but I still value your feedback."

"It's been ages since I dined on anything competently prepared," he says, responding to that slight increase in levity. "There is little to be found for game in the forests here, besides hideous scum creatures haunting people's wash chambers."

He shakes his head.

"I am ashamed to admit I did consider sampling meat from those, but decided against it in the end. I am full glad to have your skills on hand, to spare me from another evening of these mysterious rations."

Estinien has quite a strange selection, from grabbing anything that looked edible no matter how strange. Even more things that are not meant to just be eaten on their own, but that Estinien has regardless.

Aymeric does frown lightly at the picture that Estinien paints, strange and...a little unsettling?

"Haunting the wash chambers...?"

That's disturbing and also a breach of privacy. Though he supposes that any sort of monster or spirit of the sorts would have little need to head the courtesies of man.

He shakes his head.

"Let us keep our adventures on the culinary end a little less dangerous, shall we?" His lips quirk up just a tad. "Are you wholly satisfied or would you like more? I had seen something of this sort prepared near the markets. I don't believe I captured it's countenance fully, but of the many dishes that were readily visible, it seemed to be the easies to replicate." A beat. "And I know you are fond of fish."

He's fond of most meats when it comes down to it, but fish is one he's always been interested in. It's definitely one of the canned foods he's been most relieved to find when scavenging, knowing that there are no living animals to hunt or fish for besides the youkai and spirits themselves.

He genuinely has weighed the pros and cons of eating the various animalistic creatures that inhabit the city - unfortunately, most of them have rather humanoid faces, and his more suspicious sensibilities lead him to suspect he may poison or curse himself by doing so.

"I would have another," he says, easing up a little as he does. It practically feels like a special occasion, sharing a meal like this. "I... have not spent much time in the markets," he admits. "I trust your hands far more than I do theirs."

Visibly pleased, Aymeric's shoulders lift as he gives a nod. The okami within him seems to absorb that happy feeling, calming a bit in its own right.

"That may or may not be wise given my unfamiliarity with some of the ingredients," he says with a chuckle. "But I shall do my best not to disappoint."

With that, he stands and takes the few steps back into the kitchenette, cleaning off the pan with a light towel to begin another pancake. Having left the ingredients out on the counter, it's fairly easy to get the next batch going. As he is mixing the batter, he muses aloud, unknowingly echoing some of Estinien's own thoughts.

"It has been a while since we have done something like this, hasn't it?"

Regrettably, Estinien's first response is to take the comment a different way, given the lingering guilty he's been feeling since the two of them reunited. Of course, Aymeric's tone is still one of fond nostalgia, but Estinien is all too aware how much any distance between them was his own doing.

Either so preoccupied with his own vengeance that he'd put such matters aside, or wandering the countryside in search of something that would make his new existence fit. It's so very like Aymeric to not be angry with him at all, to the degree that it's infuriating in its own right. It doesn't seem fair, does it?

"Aye..." Estinien folds his arms around his knees, having lifted his shoeless feet up onto the bed with him as Aymeric went back to cooking. He sounds unsure, his regret audible. "I... have not allowed us much opportunity, have I?"

He likely should have realized that such an observation may be taken another way, given Estinien's own penchant for brooding whether it is warranted or not.

Aymeric would be lying if he said he would not have liked to hear from Estinien now and again while he was away from Ishgard, at least to know that he was hale and whole. Were the circumstances of their stay here be different he may have expressed that desire with a small amount of chiding that is warranted for being snubbed, unintentionally or otherwise, but he feels so such desire to do so now.

"Think naught of it," he says somewhat distantly as he puts the fish in the pan to fry, then turns to Estinien with what he hopes is a reassuring smile. "'Twas only a matter of time 'til we would see one another again, was it not?"

"You were coming home, weren't you?" is the unspoken question.

He wishes he was as certain as he should be.

It's not as if he had any grand design of never returning - only that he had intended to stay away until the moment was right, without ever knowing what that moment would be. If it never arose, would have never tried? The last time he'd spoken to Aymeric, it had been when the Warrior of Light collapsed - a time where too much was going on for a proper reunion to be possible. Aymeric had too many responsibilities, and Estinien himself had intended to return to the battlefield.

Yet, when it turned out he wasn't needed, he hadn't circled back had he? Instead, he had allowed himself to become swept up in Orn Khai's bizarre exploits, however much he complained, because it was easier than making the decision himself.

The sorry truth is that he waited so long he may never have the chance to go back.

"I... assumed so," he says, more non-commital than he would have liked. Just how much he had let random circumstances determine his direction is a bit embarrassing to admit. Was he really so incapable of self-determination? He looks downward.

"...Have you been happy?" he asks, after a lingering hesitation. "In Ishgard."

He had not assumed Estinien had a specific plan in mind with his wanderings--he figured the entire intent of it was to find his purpose and place in the world, and such soul-searching would take time. Aymeric could be patient--he's used to waiting. But he had always hoped it would eventually lead him back to Ishgard.

The question catches him a little off guard. Aymeric blinks, looking up from the pan as he pushes the pieces of fish around to get a decent sear on all sides before adding the vegetable components.

"...Yes." It takes a moment. "Change does not come easily but the strides that Ishgard is yet making in such a short amount of time would have seemed unthinkable nary a few years ago. The restoration is well under way with substantial assistance from our neighbors and earnest adventurers. Can you believe that Ishgard may be something of a metropolitan city in our own time?"

Of course, when it comes to happiness, he speaks entirely of the strides their country is making. It still makes him smile when he thinks of it.

"There is much and more to be proud of."

Estinien might have used more neutral phrasing were he in less of an emotional mood. Maybe asked if Aymeric was 'content' or another thing that was easier to say yes or no to. The question he asked is the one he means, though - he wants to know if Aymeric has been truly happy in his life, the way that he's imagined he has been.

The reply is not all that surprising, mostly in that it doesn't feel like it answers what Estinien was trying to ask. Naturally, Aymeric is focusing on his pride for his nation, and for the things it has accomplished under his command. Estinien is aware of the restoration, though not many of the details, and hearing of it was something that truly did make his heart ache for Ishgard, even if he no longer felt at home there.

Estinien can't help but smile a little on his own, watching Aymeric reflect so fondly. What he'd really wanted to know was if Aymeric was happy on a personal level, but he doesn't know how to best phrase that, or if he should continue to pry at all.

"...I would see you returned to it," he says, knowing full well that it's sort of a useless promise, but one he will make all the same. "You deserve to enjoy the fruits of your labour, this forsaken realm be damned."

Edited 2021-01-09 08:39 (UTC)

He gives a pause to that before looking along the line of his shoulder in Estinien's direction. It bubbles up that fear mixed with belief that, of course, Estinien is part of this as well. They do not always see the same world, but their end goals for it have always been in line.

That hasn't changed, has it?

"Of our labor, my friend." For as soft as the timber of Aymeric's voice naturally is, there is a force behind it that says he doesn't believe there is room for argument. In a polite way, of course.

"You have sacrificed much for our nation and deserve to see her at her best."

Edited 2021-01-11 18:32 (UTC)

Estinien falls silent, looking away in the same moment Aymeric turns towards him, in a way that is rather telling. He can't be surprised that Aymeric feels that way, but Estinien can't quite share the sentiment... and he feels that other of Ishgard wouldn't either.

"Ishgard no longer has need of the cause I came to represent," he says. He might have left it at that in a different situation, but he's already mentioned how he hoped to become something 'better', and that ties into this feeling as well. "It was mine intent to find a way that I might better serve her better in this new era... but to remain among her people and claim the mantle of some kind of hero... despite my sins..."

He finally lifts his gaze.

"That would be unjust."

When Estinien catches Aymeric's gaze again, he will find a frown. Not the sort of a man upset, but one who is disappointed. Is this really what he believes?

"Estinien..." A tone that he is likely familiar with--the beginnings of something long-winded. Aymeric sets his spoon aside to turn to fully face his friend.

"Who that dwells past the Gates of Judgment is without sin?" Neither of them are pious men to believe that perfection is at all attainable. The only real innocents are perhaps the children, yet even so, to hold them up to such a high standard would truly be an injustice.

"You who has fought endlessly against the tyrannies both within and without, who gave up all and put himself on the front lines with nary a complaint--" Complaints about the position, that is. "--you bled for Ishgard. You nearly died for her. Has that not earned a place within her? Would you ask the same of others who were willing to sacrifice aught all?"

He knows the answer to that.

"Nidhogg's sins are not your own. Please do not make the mistake of claiming them."

Estinien recoils slightly at those words, withdrawing inward, but primarily out of shame - largely because he finds that he has no good explanation for his friend. He feels the way he said, even if he can find no logical argument against Aymeric's observations. The last part, when he mentions Nidhogg, is particularly difficult to keep from turning his stomach.

Had he not told him how alike the two of them were? How when Nidhogg possessed him, it was like seeing a mirror image of himself? He may not have done the same things, may not have fought for so long or with the understanding Nidhogg did, or hurt so many, but yet...

But yet what? But yet he feels a kinship with the dragon, even as he fought through those final moments to see him finished. And now to be matched with another beast of the same heart...

He can feel the oni whispering to him again, as hard as he tries to push it down. Is it wrong? Has he been wrong? Or does Aymeric just not know him as well as he thinks he does? The voice within him urges that it's the latter.

"We were one and the same."

His voice is pained as he says it, as if he barely knows how speak the words - like he doesn't know what he's talking about, either. From the helpless look that he gives Aymeric, it seems unlikely that he expects Aymeric to be sold on this interpretation. It's just the only one he has.

Estinien's silence speaks as much as any words may the longer it stretches on. He does not outright refute what Aymeric has said, but he might as well--he is clearly not in agreement. The former Azure Dragoon had once expressed empathy toward the late dragon, for his plight and his anger and his pain. But empathy does not equate an ownership of Nidhogg's actions.

How deep does this run?

"Only in body and only for a time." He shakes his head and takes a step forward.

"And in that time those actions were not your own. Ishgard does not shun you, Estinien. Do not tell me that you have chosen solitude based on this belief alone?"

It's hard for him to bear Aymeric's searching case, the negative feedback from the spirit within him not particularly helping. It's like having two conversations at once - one with Aymeric trying to draw him in, and the other with the oni trying to affirm his fears and drag him down deeper.

Finally, he shakes his head. It's not the only thing, of course - just one of the ideas that had inspired his journey away from home. He truly didn't stay long enough to see how shunned or not he was. Maybe it was easier not to know.

"Whatever good I did, my legacy is not one to be proud of," he says, more subdued. "I was given a second chance that many were not. That Nidhogg himself was not. I am only trying... to be worthy."

His gaze flickers away and then back again. He tries to think of the words to explain.

"...I spoke to Hraesvelgr, after I left. He seemed to think there was use for me still... it is him that bestowed upon me my new armor. Enchanted by Ratatoskr herself." The uneasiness is plain on his face. "To defend our star, he said! Thanks to the hope Ysayle had given him... After all I had done..."

There is a pained incredulity in his voice. With the faces of the dead fresh in his mind, he can see it no other way.

"There is no justice, no reason, in me being afforded life when so many others were not."

Guilt--is that part of it? Guilt that those they lost could not be returned, that he had somehow survived it all despite what he sees are many faults. It goes beyond Nidhogg, then--Estinien just does not think he is worth the effort.

"...Neither of us are believers of fate," he begins, moving the pan off of the stove top so that the fish does not burn and he can return to sit next to his friend properly. Food can wait.

"We are men of action, and it is by your actions that you made it through 'til the end. Yes, those that we lost...that we could not save will forever sit with us. We can only endeavour that spare others of the same end. But this does not mean that you are undeserving of these opportunities. Would that you can see in yourself what myself and others do..."

Aymeric shakes his head and places his hand on Estinien's forearm.

"How many times have we narrowly escaped death or punishment? I have penned my name and condolences on hundreds of letters to families of knights lost. Each and every one of them feels another weight in my heart, but I cannot bring them back, nor can I allow that loss to deter my course from what is best for Ishgard--for those that are here. For those that were saved by the brave deeds of others. Your brave deeds."

He gives that arm a squeeze, offering a somewhat sad, if hopeful smile. He might as well be honest...

"There is more than use for you, Estinien. Were you so inclined...I would like nothing more than to have you help us build the Ishgard that we had once dreamed of. You are part of her past, you deserve to be part of her brighter future."

Estinien stares ahead as Aymeric comes to sit with him, trying to manage his reactions. On some level he knows what Aymeric is saying is true - that it's not standard that was reasonable to hold for himself, that the loss of one life did not render another undeserving. It's the sort of information that may reach his brain, but it never seems to reach his gut, or his heart.

At least he's said it, though - at least he can know that Aymeric hasn't, against all reason, confirmed his doubts as truth like he sometimes imagined he would, were he ever to speak it out loud. It's still very hard to think of anything he's done as 'brave' or useful, but...

But, as Aymeric says, there is more than being useful. There should be more.

He looks up, almost like that information is a surprise to him. Realistically he should already know all of this - he shouldn't have to be told. He should need help remembering these things, he shouldn't have to be convinced that he can just be a person, the same as anyone else. Yet, even as he's being told, his heart construes a way that his circumstances are his own fault.

"To have spent so much time away... and to allow myself to hear these words, only when the choice has been taken away from me..."

He's felt the guilty pang of wanting to return home, but only once it was too late. He shivers beneath Aymeric's hand.

He feels that shiver and feels a similar pang in his own heart--one of wanting to smooth away all the edges that still cut at Estinien's self-image, of what he believes he is worthy of. Aymeric has accepted long ago that it may take a lifetime of reassurances, but it is one he is willing to give for his dearest friend.

Aymeric slides his hand up to take Estinien's properly, lacing their fingers together as he brings his opposite hand to rest on the back of Estinien's knuckles, cupping his hand securely between his own.

"Do not tell me you have yet abandoned all intent to be rid of this place? 'Tis highly unlike you to turn tail in the face of seemingly insurmountable odds," he chides.

His fatalistic state of mind has been the inevitable result of him beginning to perceive this place as some form of punishment rather than a situation that can be practically solved. Somewhat absurd when considered rationally, but in his moments of deepest despair, it made a lot of sense to him. That this was something he deserved. That it was more metaphysical than real.

Yet, with Aymeric here, it feels less that way. Though he'd feared that Aymeric was yet another trick, the last few days and this entire conversation have made it all too clear that isn't the case. It gives him something to focus on that isn't just his own fate - even if his fate really is something he should start considering important.

He leans against Aymeric's side as their hands entwine, laying his own free hand above his friend's. Ever since they reunited, he's craved Aymeric's touch in equal measure to how much he feared trying to claim it. Despite that, every signal Aymeric has given him is one of intimacy and openness, to the degree it's difficult for even his stubborn sensibilities to turn it down.

The thought easily rises again: that he will try to escape, knowing that Aymeric's future is on the line as well. Yet, no. That's not what Aymeric has been telling him. His concern for Aymeric's wellbeing is not what is in doubt.

"I almost let myself forget," he says softly. "The things I have missed." He leans his head against Aymeric's. "Rest assured, I have been reminded."

Edited 2021-01-19 21:22 (UTC)

The returned gesture widens his smile just a bit and it is only too easy to let the weight of his own head rest back against the other man's, a simple reassurance of his presence and his support. It is the least he can do, but he likes to believe it means something.

Estinien's words only further the feeling and the tips of his ears might turn a little pink at the implications.

"I would hope they stick this time, but experience suggests you may yet need a few more reminders," he says with a light tone. "You may rest assured that I am up for the challenge."

Estinien snorts in acknowledgment, his need for repetition truly being the oldest joke between them. He otherwise holds their position silently for a while, wondering if he should attempt to go further. Aymeric did have half-prepared food waiting for him, but that's a reminder Estinien doesn't feel inclined to give in return. At least not yet.

Oddly enough, for once the spirit within him is quiet.

When he finally turns his head, it's to meet Aymeric's gaze directly - and as he does, it shows that his own eyes have shifted back to their regular stormy grey. Carefully, he lifts his hand to touch against Aymeric's cheek instead, brushing the dark hair at the side of his face.

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