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He's spent an embarrassing amount of time contemplating this seriously, the idea that this realm is a literal hell that he's been summoned to as a punishment from wrongdoings unpaid. With how inexplicable it's all been, and with how much of it echoes the great pains of his past, it feels as likely as anything.

The world of his travels across Hydaelyn had seemed too kind to him, given his past. Too kind, given the way he'd lived his life, and the crueler fates of those that had walked similar paths.

Yet, Aymeric's presence here confuses all that. Aymeric deserves no matter of hell at all, and in frail moments, Estinien might even fear that the version here is only an illusion meant to taunt him. On the surface the idea is ridiculous, but in his heart, it holds sway regardless.

With Estinien's self-imposed exile, it's been a long time since he had the benefit of hearing his friend's sweet words. It seemed fair at the time - Aymeric had likely already wasted more words on him than were due. Now, though, he's remembering how much he needs them, when the world threatens him with its worst. How much it means to have someone that truly knows him say that he doesn't deserve this pain.

He meets Aymeric's gaze, one hand slipping to rest on his friend's hip - only to freeze uncertainly there, unsure if it is a step too far. At one point he wouldn't have hesitated, but now he does. So much as happened between then and this moment.

"...We should step back inside," he says after a moment, in a slight release of tension. He's remembered that their place on the balcony could be spied by their neighbors, or by other beasts lurking in the dark.

It has been a while since they shared any sort of real closeness, something that came with increasing responsibilities and less and less time together. A natural and expected outcome and Estinien, in all his years, has always been the more elusive sort. Aymeric had been used to him disappearing for times only to have him show up literally on his rooftop as if naught had changed.

But things had changed now--for them and for Ishgard. Yet in Aymeric's mind, no matter how much has, there are allowances that Estinien will always have and hold in his life, should he deign to claim them.

So it is not unwelcome gesture and he has half a mind to pull Estinien into a proper embrace, only to forgo such thoughts at Estinien's own hesitance. Mayhaps that too has changed?

Aymeric simply nods and offers a small smile as he pulls back, dropping his hands from his friend's shoulders. "Do you think that you could stomach something to eat?"

Something buzzes in Estinien's head as Aymeric pulls back, like emotional static. He feels like they've danced this dance before, but yet, after all these years he's no better at it. Was he right to think that Aymeric had been undisturbed, until the moment that his own hesitance had spoiled it?

He manages to nod his head regardless, how words gradually catching up with him as he guides them back inside of the apartment, lingering at the doorway as he closes it behind them.

"Aye," he says, finally. "I've not had much since early this morning." And he hopes that by the time Aymeric has finished whatever he's going to offer, he'll at least be in a state to properly break bread with him. There's still much they haven't talked about, and it leaves Estinien uncertain, but sharing food is such an old tradition that it seems like it might begin to make sense of things, however long it's been in between.

As his gaze follows Aymeric, not completely able to hide the hint of longing in his eyes, the beast stirs within his chest. There is a strange fascination he can feel within its emotions, as if something about his reaction to Aymeric draws its attention. It had shown amusement before, acknowledging Estinien's care for the other man, but something is different now.

YOU LOVE THIS MAN

The words come more clearly through their link than they have since Estinien received the Forest Spirit's soothing blessing. For a moment, he can feel a pang of similar longing within the oni's own spirit - not with sympathy, or with gentleness, but instead with familiar need. He can feel its claws around his heart.

On the outside, Estinien seems to merely be staring at Aymeric, his expression slightly strained, but Aymeric or his youkai both may notice a sudden heaviness in the atmosphere, like the weight of the oni's presence exerting itself through its host.

Aymeric figured as much. When Estinien turned inward as he did when something troubled him, basic necessities often went unattended. Not that Aymeric wouldn't offer food under any other circumstances, of course, and he always did enjoy cooking for his friend, but making sure he eats is a different matter than trying out new recipes and novel ingredients.

Well, for him, at least.

Aymeric moves back to the little counter where he has set out a cutting board, a bowl of finely chopped vegetables set to the side. A pan is set on the single burner to heat.

"I will do my utmost to be gentle on your sensibilities," he says with a small amount of mirth, trying to lighten the mood, as he begins to carefully cut what appears to be some sort of fish that came from one of the cans Estinien has hoarded. "I wanted to try and create something with the supplies you have amassed and became inspired by a particular stall earlier this day--"

He stops mid-sentence as the yokai within him suddenly springs to life, much more attuned to the air around them than Aymeric. The sharp edge of the blade stays resting against the cutting board as the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end and his ears feel particularly pointed.

Danger is the overwhelming rush that flows through him head to toe. He turns on instinct, looking over his shoulder--

--yet all he sees standing there is a man he would trust with his life--has, on several occasions, and his faith has not been proven wrong once. Still, Aymeric has to swallow roughly before raising his brows in a quiet question. He pushes back against the warning that comes not from his heart, but from another.

"...Mayhaps it would be more prudent to try something less adventurous?"

If there's one thing the oni has learned thus far, it's that the more miserable Estinien is, the malleable he becomes to its impulses. It can sense it within him - the violence that encircles his anger and his despair. They are not that different at the root of it, it thinks. It's host simply needs to be reminded.

Estinien can sense an inkling of those scheming thoughts, if not in actual words, then in concepts. It puts him on edge in a way that is unavoidably similar to experiences as the Azure Dragoon. While Nidhogg had desired to claim him, however, it had never been quite like this. He had never felt as if Nidhogg was sizing up the people before him like prey through his own eyes.

It's through that bloodthirsty gaze that he can spot the moment of instinctual wariness that goes through Aymeric. The pause of his knife, the way he looks over his shoulder as if a specter has passed behind him. Maybe 'specter' is an accurate way to describe what Estinien is becoming. Yet as it happens, Estinien is the one that feels strongly that he should run.

But he doesn't. Instead, he wobbles on his feet, searching behind him blindly with a hand to find the edge of his bed. With how small the apartment is, there isn't all that much space from the counter to where one sleeps. He sinks onto the mattress, nodding his head in a pitiful attempt to look normal even as he stares hollowly at the floor between his feet.

"Whatever pleases you," he finally manages, pressing one hand over his heart. "...Allow me a moment."

The moment passes. Though the okami is now on alert, a quiet rumble in the back of Aymeric's mind, he is able to return to the task at hand, allowing Estinien the bit of space (however much can be provided in such close quarters) and quiet he needs.

Though Aymeric is usually keen to make some conversation while he cooks for his friend, he instead concentrates on the new craft. Lightly pan-frying the pieces of fish first, then sprinkling in the vegetables and a wet doughy mixture to make some savory pancakes of sorts. At least as close as he could to the kind he had seen being served prior.

It's a short affair in the end, but he hopes that it has allowed Estinien enough time to compose himself. He cuts the pancake into slices and slides it onto a plate before closing that vast (two step) distance to stand next to the bed.

"Is this seat taken?"

Estinien has his arms wrapped around his gut as Aymeric approaches, though he's composed himself enough to clue into his friend's presence this time. He looks at him somewhat guiltily, but then answers in way of shifting over to make room. He wouldn't deny Aymeric that, no matter how on edge he's feeling.

He glances at the food Aymeric's made, fully taking it in despite the scent of cooking having reached him earlier. He can't help but feel emotional at the sight, both because of the nostalgic familiarity and the fact that he hasn't really eaten anything that wasn't straight out of a can for a while now. Most of the time, he hasn't even bothered to warm it up.

"There's something you must know," he says abruptly. His uncertainty in the matter of obvious, like he's reluctant to go through with explaining it. He hasn't gone into much detail, talking about the situation with the spirit possessing him, except for saying that he considers it to be demonic and constant bother.

"The spirit... it seems interested in you." The word 'interested' in carrying a lot of weight as he says it. The sort of tone that implies that it is not of the benevolent type. "I have stayed its hand for now, but..."

It's dangerous, which he's already told Aymeric in a sense. He knows that his friend likely won't listen, but concealing what's going on seems like a betrayal regardless.

Aymeric is happy to take his spot on the small bed, already extending the plate of his experimental cooking out in offering. But he takes pause to listen to Estinien's caution, the playfulness in his expression quickly fading.

Inside of him, the okami bristles again, a confirmation of its earlier warning.

So that's what it was...? he wonders, but does not want to give too much to Estinien's fears, if only for the other man's sake.

Aymeric lowers the plate so he can rest it on his bent knee, considering for a few beats.

"I see."

He frowns slightly, more in thought than in disapproval. (The okami has plenty to share of the latter, it seems.)

"...And the nature of this interest..." He ventures, feeling he knows the answer. "You believe to be to my detriment."

Edited 2021-01-05 07:11 (UTC)

Estinien nods, looking somewhat distant as the oni weighs against his heart and mind with particular intensity, insisting upon its presence even more aggressively now that he dares speak of it aloud. That much he can push aside, it isn't nearly as bad as it was a month before, but its constant presence daunts him.

"...It has done everything in its power to exert its authority over me," he explains uncomfortably. "It craves suffering, and for all the bloodshed I will not give it, it endeavors to punish me instead."

It had been unspeakably difficult, dealing with it for that first month, with nothing to aid him. The Forest Spirit's blessing has helped to calm the ravenous hunger of the beast, but it hunts in more insidious ways all the same.

"Alone, I am the only one within its reach. But... knowing everything you are to me..." He hesitates, putting a hand to his head again. "I'm... I'm afraid..."

The sentence is meant to go somewhere, to explain what he foresees happening, but with the bodies of his family still fresh in his mind, he can't bear to speak the words. The intent is there, anyway. He's afraid, plain and simple.

He feels his chest tighten as he listens for a multitude of reasons, some he ought to keep quietly to himself. It pains him to see that Estinien feels trapped--is trapped in yet another battle within himself. His ill-fated friend indeed.

Aymeric lowers his gaze as he let's a silence fall between them. Not cold, but palpable. The air is heavy and the okami within him is heeding the warnings fully. There's a push against his heart that, yes, he should move away, yes, he should leave. There is something oppressive in this room and it is dwelling within his dearest friend.

"...I know what it is you fear," he says softly, lifting his eyes back up again to stare directly at Estinien's face. "Yet I will not stand idly by as you face this new challenge alone. I failed you with Nidhogg--I gave in too quickly to what I saw as the horrible, inevitable end to your suffering. But I will not do so again."

Estinien has never blamed Aymeric for that, of course. In his own way, Aymeric had most accurately intuited what Estinien would have asked for himself - and had asked for the moment he regained enough control to speak. The Warrior of Light and Alphinaud had seen another way, but it was a path that neither of them could have anticipated.

Yet, the same hope that had weakened his resolve enough to condemn him to be Nidhogg's thrall has taken effect here as well. Estinien was shown that he had a chance to live, and now that he's been offered it, he doesn't want to let it go. He wants to survive, he wants to go home.

So, maybe it's a good thing that Aymeric has also changed his mind. As afraid as he is of hurting his truest friend, is that sentiment not what had allowed him salvation before?

Estinien stares back at him, and it almost seems as if he might argue, but in the end no objection comes. Instead, Estinien reaches over to take the plate that Aymeric had been offering him before.

"...Then twould seem that I can give in no more easily."

It is with some trepidation that he waits for Estinien's reaction--not out of a weakening of his own resolve, but out of not wanting to get into too deep of an argument when Estinien is yet not at his best. The fact that he assents at all is a testament to the changes he has gone through and Aymeric finds himself pleasantly surprised as Estinien simply agrees and takes the offered meal.

Aymeric's own expression softens as his gaze drops to the plate. Truly the dish does not have the sort of style and flare of the local cuisine--Aymeric treated it a bit more as a hefty crepe than of the okonomiyaki he had unwittingly been inspired by--but it smells of the town faire, in the least.

"Then we are in agreement," he says to put an end to any potential misgivings. "Though, if it would be easier for you should I make my own arrangements...?"

The thought had been there was safety in numbers with the two of them and neither wanted to 'make themselves at home' for longer than they needed to. But while Aymeric will not leave Estinien to battle with this spirit alone, he also does not want his presence to cause him extra undue suffering.

Estinien starts eating the weird crepe with his fingers, only to pause when Aymeric ponders the idea of whether or not they should stay in the same apartment. His apprehension is clear. It's a question he doesn't want to have to answer, nor does he know how to.

It could be considered responsible to have Aymeric sleep somewhere else, lest something happen while they are unguarded in such close quarters, but especially right now he doesn't want his friend to leave. As tentative as it's been, he's enjoyed sharing a space with him for the last few days. He finds comfort in it, even if he is afraid of the consequences of allowing himself to have that connection.

So, in the end, his face falls, but he can't seem to verbalize his response. There's a clear reluctance to offer either answer - it feels selfish to prioritize his comfort over the possibility of Aymeric being hurt.

"...It would bring me no comfort to put distance between us," he says. Not now. Not when he finally feels like they have a chance to... to do something. Now that the silence between them has been broken, Estinien's fearful hand finally forced. "But... I can ill ask for you to remain at risk."

Truth be told, Aymeric isn't sure he wants to hear what the right answer ought to be. It is out of necessity alone that he feels compelled to make the offer, not wanting to put his desires to stay close to his friend more important than Estinien's own needs. (Unsurprising, it is, that they approach it poorly from the same angle.)

That Estinien speaks plainly of them gets Aymeric to immediately raise his brows.

"I am no more at risk than I would be otherwise," he says quickly, mayhaps a little too quickly. "This town is fraught with unknown dangers and I would be remiss to not admit that I too would feel better with you at my side."

Estinien hears that admission with a mixture of relief and guilt. How long has it been since they were in a position to ask such questions? Since they were truly reliant on each other, on an unknown battleground? He had somehow imagined that in his absence Aymeric would have simply moved on to the more important things he had achieved and earned, but to see him again after so long and to find him to still be so true...

He can't help but think that Estinien is the one to have abandoned Aymeric, despite his friend stalwart refusal to do the same. Much of importance had happened as he travelled, and most of it he doesn't regret, but should he have done more? Said more, offered more?

He stares down at the food Aymeric has prepared for him, thinking of their many days together in the Borel manor, particularly when they were younger men. Sharing food, sharing company... sometimes more than that. He'd assumed that the time for such things would have long passed, but...

He fings his eyes watering slightly, overwhelmed with the emotions of the moment and weary from the burdens of the day. Blinking it away, he reaches out a hand to rest upon Aymeric's back - a fumbling attempt at intimacy.

"Then I will do all I can to defend you," he says softly.

Aymeric would never deny that he has missed Estinien since he decided to leave Ishgard, nor was he surprised by the decision in the first place. But his inherent affections and trust in his closest friend never wavered for a second. He just knew he would need to wait, as always.

He's become rather adept at waiting.

He's also become adept at reading Estinien's body language. Words can be a struggle at times and the way he both tenses and relaxes tells Aymeric their thoughts really are one and the same--a desire for company and comradeship but a fear the other's wellbeing. There had been a time when such thoughts were not so heavily clouded with the blood spilt between them, but there is nothing Aymeric doesn't think the can face together.

So he smiles, warmth returning to his features as Estinien wipes his eyes. The hand only brightens him further and he readily returns the gesture, more sure of himself in it.

"I know." He never doubted. "And i as well, my friend."

Though the urge is strong, Estinien resists being a hypocrite with regards to the balance of protection. He can't honestly offer his defense and refuse Aymeric's in the same breath, can he? Were he feeling more stubborn he may try, but Aymeric is right - Estinien is not in a good place for arguing at the moment.

He is in a good place for eating the crepe, however, so after a moment of savouring that exchange, he returns to that. Though he lets his hand fall from Aymeric's back, it's only so that he can rest on the bed just behind him. He's searching for some way to show his appreciation, between offering intimacy and actually consuming what Aymeric made for him.

Estinien is just as prone to scarfing his food as ever, as if worried that it might disappear if he doesn't attend to it immediately, so it doesn't take long for him to be finished. He wipes his mouth with the back of his hand.

"My thanks," he adds helplessly, mostly for the food but also for just... everything.

Aymeric is content to watch Estinien eat what he prepared--just like old times. He has enough to make more should his friend need anything else, but more than that, he is just glad that he is eating something when other such troubling thoughts are distracting him.

He drops his own hand as well to rest between them on the mattress, only to lift it again in offering to take back the plate. He knows that Estinien means more than dinner, but he wants to lighten the mood just a little.

"How was it?" he asks, cocking his head to the side. "I know you want for little in regards to taste, but I still value your feedback."

"It's been ages since I dined on anything competently prepared," he says, responding to that slight increase in levity. "There is little to be found for game in the forests here, besides hideous scum creatures haunting people's wash chambers."

He shakes his head.

"I am ashamed to admit I did consider sampling meat from those, but decided against it in the end. I am full glad to have your skills on hand, to spare me from another evening of these mysterious rations."

Estinien has quite a strange selection, from grabbing anything that looked edible no matter how strange. Even more things that are not meant to just be eaten on their own, but that Estinien has regardless.

Aymeric does frown lightly at the picture that Estinien paints, strange and...a little unsettling?

"Haunting the wash chambers...?"

That's disturbing and also a breach of privacy. Though he supposes that any sort of monster or spirit of the sorts would have little need to head the courtesies of man.

He shakes his head.

"Let us keep our adventures on the culinary end a little less dangerous, shall we?" His lips quirk up just a tad. "Are you wholly satisfied or would you like more? I had seen something of this sort prepared near the markets. I don't believe I captured it's countenance fully, but of the many dishes that were readily visible, it seemed to be the easies to replicate." A beat. "And I know you are fond of fish."

He's fond of most meats when it comes down to it, but fish is one he's always been interested in. It's definitely one of the canned foods he's been most relieved to find when scavenging, knowing that there are no living animals to hunt or fish for besides the youkai and spirits themselves.

He genuinely has weighed the pros and cons of eating the various animalistic creatures that inhabit the city - unfortunately, most of them have rather humanoid faces, and his more suspicious sensibilities lead him to suspect he may poison or curse himself by doing so.

"I would have another," he says, easing up a little as he does. It practically feels like a special occasion, sharing a meal like this. "I... have not spent much time in the markets," he admits. "I trust your hands far more than I do theirs."

Visibly pleased, Aymeric's shoulders lift as he gives a nod. The okami within him seems to absorb that happy feeling, calming a bit in its own right.

"That may or may not be wise given my unfamiliarity with some of the ingredients," he says with a chuckle. "But I shall do my best not to disappoint."

With that, he stands and takes the few steps back into the kitchenette, cleaning off the pan with a light towel to begin another pancake. Having left the ingredients out on the counter, it's fairly easy to get the next batch going. As he is mixing the batter, he muses aloud, unknowingly echoing some of Estinien's own thoughts.

"It has been a while since we have done something like this, hasn't it?"

Regrettably, Estinien's first response is to take the comment a different way, given the lingering guilty he's been feeling since the two of them reunited. Of course, Aymeric's tone is still one of fond nostalgia, but Estinien is all too aware how much any distance between them was his own doing.

Either so preoccupied with his own vengeance that he'd put such matters aside, or wandering the countryside in search of something that would make his new existence fit. It's so very like Aymeric to not be angry with him at all, to the degree that it's infuriating in its own right. It doesn't seem fair, does it?

"Aye..." Estinien folds his arms around his knees, having lifted his shoeless feet up onto the bed with him as Aymeric went back to cooking. He sounds unsure, his regret audible. "I... have not allowed us much opportunity, have I?"

He likely should have realized that such an observation may be taken another way, given Estinien's own penchant for brooding whether it is warranted or not.

Aymeric would be lying if he said he would not have liked to hear from Estinien now and again while he was away from Ishgard, at least to know that he was hale and whole. Were the circumstances of their stay here be different he may have expressed that desire with a small amount of chiding that is warranted for being snubbed, unintentionally or otherwise, but he feels so such desire to do so now.

"Think naught of it," he says somewhat distantly as he puts the fish in the pan to fry, then turns to Estinien with what he hopes is a reassuring smile. "'Twas only a matter of time 'til we would see one another again, was it not?"

"You were coming home, weren't you?" is the unspoken question.

He wishes he was as certain as he should be.

It's not as if he had any grand design of never returning - only that he had intended to stay away until the moment was right, without ever knowing what that moment would be. If it never arose, would have never tried? The last time he'd spoken to Aymeric, it had been when the Warrior of Light collapsed - a time where too much was going on for a proper reunion to be possible. Aymeric had too many responsibilities, and Estinien himself had intended to return to the battlefield.

Yet, when it turned out he wasn't needed, he hadn't circled back had he? Instead, he had allowed himself to become swept up in Orn Khai's bizarre exploits, however much he complained, because it was easier than making the decision himself.

The sorry truth is that he waited so long he may never have the chance to go back.

"I... assumed so," he says, more non-commital than he would have liked. Just how much he had let random circumstances determine his direction is a bit embarrassing to admit. Was he really so incapable of self-determination? He looks downward.

"...Have you been happy?" he asks, after a lingering hesitation. "In Ishgard."

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